REALITY BYTES

Pool boy Charley, is afraid that Hulk Hogan is going to do some damage to him. Charley was scared enough, that he requested a restraining order be granted against Hulk Hogan, so he would keep his distance, of at least 500 feet from Charley.

Last week, a Florida judge denied Charley’s petition be granted, for a restraining order against Hulk Hogan. The real question is, would you be afraid of the Hulkster, if you were seeing his estranged wife?

Charles F. Hill, aka “Charley the pool boy” filed an injunction for his protection against the Hulk, claiming that the Hulkster had followed Charley in a car, tailgated him, then pulled up next to him and glared menacingly.

Mr. Hill is 19 years old and was even in a high school class or two, with the Hulk’s daughter Brooke, a few years ago. Charley’s reasons for seeking this restraining order, was because he believing that Hulk Hogan would try to injure him or kill him.

How does that song go? “You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit into the wind. You don’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger and you don’t mess around with Hulk Hogan?”

Within the last few months the Hulk’s family seems to be getting a lot of media press. The Hulk’s daughter, his son Nick just getting out of jail recently, then there is the Hulk’s estranged wife, Linda.

Despite the fact the Linda Bollea is receiving $40,000 per month in alimony, she seems to be broke! Last Thursday, Linda’s lawyer asked the judge to set a hearing date to consider unfreezing some of the couple’s assets for Linda’s use.

Rosie O’Donnell had her shot at a live variety show on Wednesday evening. It was totted as being the variety show, to end all variety shows, and maybe; that is exactly what the viewers thought too. Rosie’s show came to an end, on a flat note with the numbers.

The ratings for Rosie’s live variety show were not that great, in fact they were pretty bad. Ironically, Rosie O’Donnell’s adversary of the moment, Barbara Walters, really beat her out; with over 11 million hits for her interview with the president-elect, Barack Obama, on ABC’s “20/20. Rosie’s variety show only garnered about 5 million viewers.

I watched Rosie’s live effort this past week. My take on her live variety show seems to echo what a few other critics had to say. Rosie’s live effort tried too hard to approach the variety shows of yesteryear. Rosie’s show felt scripted, they overworked the formulas that made shows like “The Ed Sullivan Show”, The Red Skelton Hour” and the others, such big hits famous.

After the show flopped, Rosie O’Donnell declared that she will never again do another variety show. Rosie didn’t need a translator to spell out the stats for her. She commented on her blog, that there will be no more shows. The ratings were bad, the reviews were bad.

Personally, I hope that this effort does not sink other efforts of live variety shows as future projects. There is plenty of room in the prime-time sectors of network television, to try other approaches.

A live variety show, hosted by Sarah Palin each week could really boost NBC’s ratings in the Wednesday 9PM time slot, don’t you think?

As I write this, the production crew for The Hills are down in Mexico filming Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s bliss filled honeymoon. We will all get to see every single piece of the elopement and the honeymoon on The Hills, (edited, of course) when real time, catches up with reality TV time, on MTV.

Throughout this season of The Hills, Heidi and Spencer have been fighting for air time. They have demonstrated over and over again, that they can be very willing media stars and mug for the cameras.

Where other “The Hills” stars have wanted to have personal downtime and have been shying away from the media, Heidi and Spencer have been tripping over their lines to get in front of anyone that is holding a camera in their hands.

Saying “Cheese” for the camera, has become a very cheesy art form for Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. These two - joined at the hip - lovebirds of The Hills, can’t seem to get enough exposure!

When Heidi and Spencer go to Taco Bell, the media shows up. When Heidi and Spencer go to the park for a romantic picnic, with floating balloons, wine and lovey-dovey camera mugging; how did the TMZ crew know they would be there?

Consider for a media moment, no one else in the whole wide world knew about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, shooting down to Mexico to elope, except for certain media sources. Their families and the couple of friends they still might have, didn’t have a clue that they were going to elope; let alone - leave the country.

With no one personally close to this couple, aware that they were getting married; how was it that the entire worldwide media, including The Hills production crew, knew all of the details about their elopement and were present to report it all, as it happened?

Some camera crews arrived at the scene of this media crime, before the intended couple even showed up, then waited for them to arrive!

It’s really kind of sad that both Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s only real friends are the people watching their every “media” move. When US Magazine, Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight and TMZ become your best friends, what does this have to say? I’m not sure what this answer is supposed to be, but it’s pretty sad when your whole life is nothing more than a media event, coming from The Hills.

Yet, as media stars go, Spencer and Heidi will now come back to the US with offers from all of the talk shows to make appearances, all because of this cheap publicity stunt. This means exposure and more marketable dollars for these two!

Imagine for a moment, a “Hills” spinoff called, “I Love Heidi”. We will get to see episodes of Heidi coming home from work as a LA bandleader. Heidi starts rolling her eyes in exasperation, because Spencer still hasn’t changed the diaper on little Spency Jr. all day. Little Spency is now 4 years old, but still isn’t potty trained.

“Oh, Spencer, Spencer, Spencer! What am I going to do with you?” Heidi exclaims.

Then, we will have to listen to Spencer complain that little Spency needs to get his own apartment, if he can’t figure out where the bathroom is? Will “I Love Heidi” be shot in black and white with a laugh track, so we don’t have too?

Anyway, according to “US Magazine” the honeymoon is still in full swing and MTV is there to get every little detail of it for this season of The Hills. Of course we will also get to see the reactions of this Heidi & Spencer hype, from Lauren and all of the other cast members on this season of The Hills.

Well, maybe not a golden slipper, but Brooke Burke and Derek Hough did win Dancing With the Stars for the season. Many of us that had been following Dancing With the Stars this past season, expected nothing less than for Brooke Burke to win.

From the very beginning of DWTS, Brooke was one of the judges favorite dancers. With no previous ballroom dancing experience behind her, Brooke Burke was a natural to dancing and had a grace that even the judges could not help but comment about.

Derek Hough was the perfect professional dancer chosen to work with Burke as her partner. Together, they might have had their rough spots, yet as a team on the dance floor, this dynamic duo came in with the highest of judges scores; week, after week on Dancing With the Stars.

If Brooke had any real competition on Dancing With the Stars this season, then this would have been Warren Sapp. From the very beginning Sapp was wowing the judges and viewing audience with his grace on the floor.

Warren Sapp is a very large, 300 pound - plus guy. On the dance floor Warren and his partner Kym, were doing routines that astounded everyone. Warren Sapp seemed to float with elegance and grace, above the floor! This illusion really left everyone spellbound.

Here is a wrap up clip of Brooke Burke and Derek Hough’s journey to the finale of Dancing With the Stars.

This past season of Dancing With the Stars sure has been wrought with mishaps, like no other past seasons of the show. Hopefully the next season of Dancing With the Stars will go smoother. Will Brooke Burke make a guest appearance for the next DWTS?

Call it, a marriage made in The Hills, or hell. I was hoping that Heidi would wake up some day and smell The Hills for what it is: A reality show where nothing is really what it seems to be. The reality is - The irony of it all. Spencer Pratt is exactly what the show portrays him to be: a snarky piece of insecure media hype.

This whole thing smells as hype. No one could actually believe that it happened, until the press releases were rolling onto the Internet. Friends and family alike were stunned and in total disbelief over Spencer and Heidi’s elopement, because everyone was kept in the dark. No one at all was invited to the ceremony.

This whole thing must have been Heidi Montag’s idea. She is forever, trying to screw up Spencer’s life. The only way she could land Spencer was to sneak him away, without anyone else knowing about it. That evil wench! Just kidding. Turn the tables and you might have a more accurate version.

When you look beyond The Hills, what is Spencer Pratt? Someone who is so insecure that he has driven off all of Heidi Montag’s friends and family.

What does Spencer Pratt do all day? He surfs the Internet, reads blogs like mine and checks out a lot of porn.

What is Spencer’s favorite hobby? Controlling Heidi Montag’s every single move.

Ok, enough of me ranting about Spencer and Heidi eloping in Cabos San Lucas on November 19th, last Wednesday. After the ceremony, Heidi couldn’t stop crying. This says too much. Call it a Freudian slip.

You can be sure that Heidi’s friends and family are turning cartwheels over this one. Heidi wanted a real wedding, with family and friends. Golly, what happened with that one? Could it be that everything has reached such a toxic level that no one would have come, if they were invited?

This is a clip of Heidi Montag’s sister Holly, with her reaction the her sister marrying Spencer Pratt. Holly sounds very solid about the whole thing, don’t you think?

You have to wonder, should Dr. Drew have entered The Hills and performed some pre-marriage counseling for these two lovebirds?

Forget about Spencer, he is just an evil person. No amount of therapy will ever turn his evil ways around. He openly admitted on the “David Letterman Show”, that he popped up in The Hills to raise hell, disrupt the community and add drama. His mission is more than accomplished.

What about Heidi Montag? Could Dr. Drew have reached into her cerebral cortex and given her a much needed tune up?

My crystal ball says that, once a couple gets married, things change. Spencer Pratt may actually believe that it’s the two of them against The Hills. In the real world, Spencer Pratt is against everything and everyone, including his new wife.

After the honeymoon period has ended; Heidi will not be able to see her friends, visit with her family or even go to work, without her new hubby giving her an ear full about it. Damn, this was already happening. So, what happens when things escalate and get even more controlling?

You have to wonder what Lauren Conrad thinks about all of this insanity. No, not really. Anyone who watches The Hills, pretty much knows what is on Lauren’s mind about Heidi getting married to Spencer. She might wish them well, but Lauren must be very afraid for her old pal.

As surreal as this whole thing may seem, Spencer and Heidi did get married. This is not a part of The Hills script. Spencer was not even original enough to come up with a line of his own during the ceremony. He borrowed from the movie, “Jerry MaGuire”.

Spencer told Heidi, “You complete me.” The real irony of Spencer’s stolen statement is, he really does need Heidi to complete him, because he doesn’t really have any substance to him.

Reuters just reported that Steven Seagal and A&E hammered out a reality show deal for Seagal to star in. “Steven Seagal: Lawman” is all about Seagal’s other life as a deputy sheriff in the Jefferson Parish of Louisiana.

Apparently, this karate chopping, Zen Buddhist, movie star action hero has been a freakin deputy for over twenty years! This is very surprising, because Mr. Seagal is not really a modest person at all!

Steven Seagal goes out on patrol, is an expert marksman that instructs officers in firearms and hand-to-hand combat techniques and also works with the SWAT team. This must be very surreal for the bad guys, when Seagal breaks down their doors and goes into action. The baddies must wonder if they are on a movie set, or having a real psychotic break with reality!

“Steven Seagal: Lawman” will be a reality series that follows him and his team of deputies around as they get the bad guys! Holy, batcrap! This guy is for real. The show will also highlight the personal life of Steven Seagal and his off duty musical performances? What a world. This just goes to prove that reality is stranger than fiction. No one could have dreamed this up.

This is a video clip of Steven Seagal, claiming to be God.

Steven Seagal bases his decision to do “Steven Seagal: Lawman” on his commitment to showing viewers, all of the positve things being done in the Jefferson Parish, since Katrina.

Presently, there is no information about production dates for “Steven Seagal: Lawman”. Keep your eyes open as more information about this new reality show trickles down into the Internet. This one should be a real hoot!